What is it like to have kids?

My friend is pregnant. It's her first baby. She asks me what its going to be like...for tips. To be REALLY honest. This happens a lot, as I was the first of all our friends to have a baby. So I'm used to the seasoned Mummy role....but all of sudden as I look at my boys both now in school, happily entertaining themselves, the answers don't seem so close to the surface anymore. 

Without realising it I don't feel I'm in the trenches as much, the baby battles of sleepless nights, breast vs bottle, pureed foods and endless concerns like is calpol a saint or a sin? It's a fading memory. Where have my babies gone?....It feels like maybe it was a dream. So I look back at my blog archives and it all comes rushing back. It wasn't a dream and I'm no longer broody....

What is having a baby going to be like? 

This is one of the most amazing and rewarding journeys you will ever experience, sometimes I cant believe my kids have come out of me mostly made of Domino's and Chocolate. However, I do feel its my duty to inform those of you thinking about having kids or maybe prepare those of you who already have, because I certainly didn't listen to all the tales or hints. There are some major myths out there, well actually there tonnes but here's my list.

Your kids wont be like that: Imagine a crowded restaurant or even a long haul flight and one or several kids are crying for fun, throwing food or just screaming NOOO! You roll your eyes, maybe wish someone would throw them out of a window and secretly think "When I have kids they WILL not be like that". 

They will. Even the children that can speak 4 language's, play chess and only eat organic veggies have the most toe curling embarrassing tantrums in the for no reason at all. At thee most awkward times.

I will just become a Mother/Father: Overnight mother nature will touch you and all of sudden playing peek a boo for 4hrs a day, having not much of a social life and knowing everyone on Pepper Pig will be fun.

It wont. In reality you're still you, you just have a child or children to look after as well now, its that simple.

Sleep deprivation wont be that bad: People have told you how bad it is, you see them age over night and walk about like zombies but you are tougher than that. Right?

You're  not. At some point you will literally sell a kidney for sleep and not even a full night just four blissful hours in one. Oh and before you think "My baby will sleep" It wont. Infant sleep problems are one of the top all time Google searches for a reason, there are few to none out there with babies that sleep 12hrs after a few weeks.

I will still get free time: Sorry its been 4 yrs I don't know what that is...unless you are a celebrity before you know it 7am will be a lie in, a solo trip to Asda will feel like a holiday and a hair cut is but a dream.

I wont mind changing nappies: Now you will do anything for your bundle of joy, therefor you wont mind cleaning up their 1s and 2s right?

Wrong, you will. At the end of the day it is squashed, sat on, festering poop *dry heave* and what's worse is usually a few times a week due to teething, illness or just something weird they have eaten you will get a nappy or 5 in a row if you're unlucky that even a coroner would struggle with; and sometimes a nappy will come along and just blow your tiny mind. 

I will still have my life: Its only a baby, it will just come along with you on shopping trips, café lunch's, walks etc. 

No you wont. This tiny thing is more unpredictable than British weather. You have only just fed it but its hungry AGAIN, it hasn't slept all night and yet it wont sleep, its just been changed but all of a sudden there is poop coming out of its collar and your Latte has just turned up etc etc. 

I wont feed my kids rubbish: Even though your diet isn't the best, (Pizza is a staple infact) this baby won't know anything non organic or experience sugar until it's a teen.

You will. For one, good luck getting a child that only likes to snack on fruit and carrot sticks even if you do.

Trust me somewhere between the lack of sleep and generally tearing out your hair you find yourself giving your child/children a garage sandwich and a jumbo pack of Haribo just for 5mins of peace. 

My house will be the same: I think I actually said the words, "We will fit into the baby's life and the baby will fit in ours."HA HA! What a knob I am.

It wont. Now to begin with it more all the stuff this tiny person needs, seriously you need an extension to fit in all the extra's. Then its all the washing, dishes and sterilising. Then they can crawl and you are trying to figure out how to superglue all your belongings onto the ceiling and finally they can walk...crayon masterpieces and random stains anyone?!

I will have patience and not shout: You tut tut at other parents with bulging eyes shouting "Just STOP it!", or think of your own childhood "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry for" - YOU wouldn't dream of saying that.

You will. All of a sudden your inventing games called "Lets see who can be quiet for the longest" or "Sleeping Lions" at 10am. 

My kids wont be scruffs: You see kids with a top on that is a story of their day, stains of where they have been and what they have eaten, or a permanent snotty nose and or a "dirt tan".

They will. I recommend just getting a baby hazmat suit for weaning - after a while you will get sick of changing their outfit 8 times a day and wiping crusty dinner off an uncooperative face...You consider starting a beige only baby diet...its good for their immunity I'm sure.

I wont be like that: It is far easier to parent the imaginary perfect kids you don't have. 

You will. I remember someone I know looking at Archie and declaring "My baby wont have a dummy" but I honestly don't know what her little ones mouth looks like as there is always a dummy plugged in ha ha! From driving up and down the motorway at 1am just to get them to sleep to not"Only Breast feeding" ....will become certainty's. 

I wont go there: Now a huge padded sticky room, full of kids running around breaking the sound barrier and parents playing "Whose done a poo?" sounds like hell right? 

Wrong you will: It's called Soft Play and it will become your best friend especially on cold rainy weather and secret weapon to get a cuppa, possibly 5mins adult chat and maybe tire the kids out. 

So there you have it. Don't get me wrong I adore my boys, there is nothing better than a cuddle, their first steps or the first time they just say "Mammy I love you" and you feel like your knee caps have dissolved. I would die for them and I wouldn't change them for the world....just a lot of the time I'm not really sure why.

Dedicated to my absolute world, Archie and Oscar, we survived chapter 1 baby cakes.....